When I say I need to talk to you it does not necessarily mean I have something to tell you. I just want to hear your voice on the other line, to somehow comfort me from whatever negative emotions I am having right now. I'm sorry if I'm not talking, I don't know what to say. I just want to feel assured that you're still there, loving me, needing me too.
I need you to call not because I have one heck of a problem to get through (that's only a small part of why I needed to talk to you) but because somehow I feel unsafe of where I stand, unsecure, and I need you there to say even the most cliched "don't worry, everything will be alright" or even the cheesiest "I love you" will suffice.
I needed to feel we were still connected. If only I had the means to call you every second of every day, I would.
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Monday, June 04, 2007
Happiness
It's been months (maybe years) since we last talked as care freely as this. It's been too long since we had a light conversation. "Normally" things would just heat up, topped with tempers flaring and not so nice words. What we had today was great.
I was able to say the things I wanted to say without even filtering them just so it would sound neutral enough. I laughed. For the first time in so long we had a fun phone conversation. He was able to pull prank(s) at me without me even making a really big deal out of it. For the first time since I don't know when, I actually was comfortable talking to him again. God, I do hope things are turning around for good.
I didn't want to end the call, I don't know when I last felt that. "Normally" I'd want to talk to him as less as possible because things would just turn nasty and hurtful. Now, we had an hour plus conversation and it didn't seem that long. Nakakabitin pa nga.
If this is a dream, I don't want to wake up (so cliche but true). This school year is (hopefully) going to be better.
I was able to say the things I wanted to say without even filtering them just so it would sound neutral enough. I laughed. For the first time in so long we had a fun phone conversation. He was able to pull prank(s) at me without me even making a really big deal out of it. For the first time since I don't know when, I actually was comfortable talking to him again. God, I do hope things are turning around for good.
I didn't want to end the call, I don't know when I last felt that. "Normally" I'd want to talk to him as less as possible because things would just turn nasty and hurtful. Now, we had an hour plus conversation and it didn't seem that long. Nakakabitin pa nga.
If this is a dream, I don't want to wake up (so cliche but true). This school year is (hopefully) going to be better.
Saturday, June 02, 2007
Sleepless
Went to bed at around 11.30. Guess what? I had to get up to make myself sleepy enough to sleep.
I can't sleep. Not because I have trouble sleeping but because of the things I've been thinking about. Damn, they're too many to simply be ignored. I blame all those things and people that keep entering my mind. Yeah, you give me one heck of a sleepless night when I should be dozing off because I have to get up early tomorrow.
Come Monday and I'll be enrolling as a senior at the University of the Philippines-Manila. The gravity of me being a senior this year is slowly sinking in. I'm getting older and what the heck am I still doing bumming around? I should be more productive with the time I have. I'm both excited and anxious about the coming school year. I hope I do better.
I was able to read the Ateneo School of Medicine and Public Health program and believe me, it made me jittery with excitement. I once again have a tiny spark of really wanting to go to med school because I want to and not because they want me to. Ateneo's program really is interesting because at the end of the five year program, you get to become a doctor of medicine with an MA in management. Cool and double cool. I am so looking forward to the application process that it makes me not sleep. Grr.
Alex moved back to his ate's house. I never even got the chance to say goodbye to "our" home. I know he's better off at his sisters care but it's just sad to think about all the good and bad times we had in that house knowing that things will not be the same.
Ah.. The people that have been entering my mind these days should not be thought of in the first place but here I am not getting any rest because of them. I really wish my defenses were higher. I show the world how unaffected I am by the people who keep on insisting that they become part of my world but then again, here I am thinking of how to get rid of them. I don't want them in my life. Maybe I was too overfriendly (redundant? it's that exaggerated) with them that they got too comfortable butting themselves into my life. I am deeply affected by your existence, just so you know and I don't want that. No matter, come school days I will be too occupied to even think and/or wait for a hint that you do remember me. Ah. The pain of being histrionic. It bothers me if those who claim to care don't even send a single message.
I hate you all tonight. I should be sleeping yet here I am ranting the night away with my silly wants. Lets end whatever hopes you have of even being a big part of my life. The big space has already been filled.
Am I exhausted enough to sleep now? I don't know. We'll see.
I can't sleep. Not because I have trouble sleeping but because of the things I've been thinking about. Damn, they're too many to simply be ignored. I blame all those things and people that keep entering my mind. Yeah, you give me one heck of a sleepless night when I should be dozing off because I have to get up early tomorrow.
Come Monday and I'll be enrolling as a senior at the University of the Philippines-Manila. The gravity of me being a senior this year is slowly sinking in. I'm getting older and what the heck am I still doing bumming around? I should be more productive with the time I have. I'm both excited and anxious about the coming school year. I hope I do better.
I was able to read the Ateneo School of Medicine and Public Health program and believe me, it made me jittery with excitement. I once again have a tiny spark of really wanting to go to med school because I want to and not because they want me to. Ateneo's program really is interesting because at the end of the five year program, you get to become a doctor of medicine with an MA in management. Cool and double cool. I am so looking forward to the application process that it makes me not sleep. Grr.
Alex moved back to his ate's house. I never even got the chance to say goodbye to "our" home. I know he's better off at his sisters care but it's just sad to think about all the good and bad times we had in that house knowing that things will not be the same.
Ah.. The people that have been entering my mind these days should not be thought of in the first place but here I am not getting any rest because of them. I really wish my defenses were higher. I show the world how unaffected I am by the people who keep on insisting that they become part of my world but then again, here I am thinking of how to get rid of them. I don't want them in my life. Maybe I was too overfriendly (redundant? it's that exaggerated) with them that they got too comfortable butting themselves into my life. I am deeply affected by your existence, just so you know and I don't want that. No matter, come school days I will be too occupied to even think and/or wait for a hint that you do remember me. Ah. The pain of being histrionic. It bothers me if those who claim to care don't even send a single message.
I hate you all tonight. I should be sleeping yet here I am ranting the night away with my silly wants. Lets end whatever hopes you have of even being a big part of my life. The big space has already been filled.
Am I exhausted enough to sleep now? I don't know. We'll see.
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