Questions on How I Work

Maybe this is a sequel of my previous post Reasons Why I'd Rather Work Alone or Else Work With Just Alex.

Having to work with different groups now makes me think on two things. First, I'm really better off alone, and second is there something wrong with the way I lead or is there something wrong with how other people lead? I have posted a rather harsh entry on the former thought so I'm not going into the details of that.

"....if the group sleeps tight and sound tonight and tomorrow night I WILL KILL myself and YOU." was one of the frustrated messages I received today. I know, we are all in shock and in so much disappointment over what happened, how he reacted. I understand that you spent more time on this project basically because you said it was "your passion". I know, I understand when you seem to have all the workload in the world and your group mates seem to be slacking off. As much as I would like to defend myself and the other group members over the slacking off thing, I'd rather not. Not because that statement is true but because that's not the whole point of this blog (note: re read the title to get the flow of thought again).

As I have said, I know the frustration and the head/heartache caused by such incidents. But now, as I look back, I wonder if I was ever that forward about my feelings towards my (past, present, and future) group mates. And then I realize, I am still too passive. Bitchy, yes, but passive.

I am the type of person that (as I have reiterated over and over again) would rather work alone. Not because I can't work well with groups (in fact, I work super good with groups), but because I tend to get disappointed easily with mediocre work.

I am not that forward with how I feel about my group mates, unless provoked or unless I'm really close with those I work with. If I didn't like something, I'd inform the person he/she did a good job but the work needs to me modified so I'll change it. It usually ends up great. And now, I ask myself "Am I too passive?". For one, I could never ever send messages of negativity more so death threats to my group mates. I tend to be over optimistic at times for my group mates to feel more positive about the work, but sulk in a corner and get eaten up with pessimism when I'm alone. At times I want to scream, "Hey, I did that all by myself" but would dismiss the feeling when the group gets praised for it. Now I don't know if what I have been doing all along, of encouraging the group and sulking by myself or voicing my concerns on other people, is a really good thing. I know it isn't.

Maybe I'm trying too hard to be a charismatic type of leader that I end up not being the ideal transformational one (wear your OrCom Hat - Barrientos, 2008). I didn't take the lead this time because I know I couldn't commit as much as the other people with passion for the job can. However, the "what if I took over?" "what if I commented on this?" "what if I committed more?" phrases crossed my mind.

Yes, I've been delinquent this semester. But I still have until Saturday to make up for it.

By the way, I hate you Barry. You say things I want to but cannot say. :)