50 Things About Me

Got this survey from a friend. My first survey post on Multiply

1* Do you like cheese?
``definitely! :D

2* Have you ever smoked heroin?
``nope

3* Do you own a gun?
``no, my dad does though

4* Your favorite song?
``as of the moment, Planetarium by Ai Otsuka (i just really really hope I understood what the lyrics meant)

5* Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
``no. I get excited. It's really seldom that I get a doctor's appointment.

6* What do you think of hotdogs?
``yummy! @_@

7* Favorite Christmas song?
`` "sa may bahay ang aming bati..."

8* What do you prefer to drink in the morning.
`` cold water

9* Can you do push ups?
`` not much

10* Favorite super-hero?
`` Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy! hahaha

11* What's your favorite piece of jewelry?
`` my ring (come to think of it, where is my ring?)

12* Favorite hobby?
``sleeping is definitely my utmost favorite hobby, eating would come next

13* Secret weapon to get the opposite sex?
``They say it's my smile, I say I'm just flirty and guys like that. Hahahaha!

14* Do you have A.D.D.?
`` what's an A.D.D.?

15* What one trait do you hate about yourself?
``super procrastinator! Wiii! Parang super hero!

16* Middle Name?
`` Timonera

17* Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment
`` shucks, pasukan na naman in less than a week
`` papasok ba ko?
`` anong oras na naman kaya ako matutulog?

18* Name 3 things you bought yesterday?
`` pancit, softdrinks, load

19* Name 3 drinks you regularly drink?
`` water
``iced tea
`` sprite

20* Current worry right now?
`` school stuff

21* Current hate?
`` myself

22* Favorite place?
`` in my room (wherever that is) where I can sleep til noon without thinking that anyone is criticizing me about that.

23* How will you bring in the New Year?
`` with food!! and fireworks, I just watch the light show of course

24* Where would you like to go?
`` Vigan, Bohol, Bora

25* Name three people who will complete this and return?
`` i really dunno.

26* Do you own flip flops?
`` Yep, got a pair of havs recently @_@ my first pair..

27* What shirt are you wearing?
`` Terra Nova purple polka shirt

28* Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?
`` haven't slept on one so I really don't know how it feels

29* Can you whistle?
`` a bit, a tiny bit

30* Favorite color/s?
`` blue, and recently orange (thanks to faye)

31* Would you like to be a pirate?
`` I think I already am. :D

32* What songs do you sing in the shower room?
`` I dont sing in the shower

33* Favorite girl's name?
`` romina (so vain!)

34* Favorite boy's name?
`` Kaine

35* What's in your pocket right now?
`` money

36* Last thing that made you laugh?
`` my friends who were trying to imitate another friend

37* Best bed sheets as a child?
`` my mom's floral sheets. We threw it away a couple of years ago because my cousin used it and bled on it before she died.

38* Worst injury you've ever had?
`` big wounds on my knees and elbows. I had a bike accident because a stupid dog chased me!

39* Do you love where you live?
`` yes, it's cold here even when it's hot everywhere else. And we don't even have an airconditioning unit! :D

40* How many computers do you have in your house?
``PC? 1

41* Who is your loudest friend?
``a lot of my friends are loud, can't think who's the loudest

42* How many dogs do you have?
`` two

43* Does someone have a crush on you?
`` yep

45* What is your favorite book?
`` mystery/adventure books. No romance novels for me!

46* What is your favorite candy?
`` gummy bears

47* Favorite Sports Teams?
`` UP Maroons! Yung cheerleading squad hindi yung basketball team. hahaha

48* What song do you want played at your funeral?
`` i haven't thought about it yet. But maybe Walk Hand in Hand With Me will be great

49* What were you doing 12 AM last night?
`` talking to someone

50* What is the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
`` darating ba sya?

Will Someone Please Teach Me Not To Cry?

I am so sick of crying over disappointments. I don't want to cry anymore. I said I wasn't going to shed a tear because somehow I anticipated this would happen. But then again, I did. I tried not to cry but all I managed was to not cry out loud.

Maybe I was just too excited because it actually is the first time my dad agreed to something like this. Maybe I was too excited to show off this Saturday. I really wish I hadn't looked forward this much.

I wish I had Hana Yori Dango season 2 to blame for my puffy eyes tomorrow. Well, maybe I could just use that alibi. Damn, now I have to find out what season 2 is all about.

Can't We Be Just Friends?

Why do the guys I become close with fall for me? I don't want you to feel something romantic for me, all I want is genuine friendship.

On the other hand, those who don't fall for me but still remain close friends of mine are either: 1) gender confused individuals, 2) straight girls (I haven't had any lesbi friends) or 3) straight gays.

Oh please do not befriend me if you know that somehow you might get attracted to me because it would make it hard for you. Earth to anyone, I already have a boyfriend for three years (thirty-nine months to be exact) now!

I'm so frustrated. Let's just be friends or let's just not talk until you are way over that mushy feeling of yours.

One and a Half Inch of String Bean

Last night, I was so hungry that I swallowed one and a half inch of unchewed string bean ! The worst part was it went down my throat horizontally! Ouch! I kept still for two minutes, feeling wether the string bean would go down my esophagus. Fortunately for me it did. It, however, left my whole throat feeling sore.

I'm still so busy with school work that even when I'm not busy, I still think I am. Loads and loads of school work make me wish for Chrismas break to come sooner (although it's just two weeks away).

For anyone who wants to know what I want for Christmas, here's my list:

1. Pentax k100d Super
I've forever been attacked by my camwhoring pangs so I'd really love to have a semi pro digi cam that would satisfy my cravings for quality pictures. I can let Alex take the shots and bask in the glory of camera flashes. *eyes gleeming with excitement*
Cost: $500

2. "This Will Change Your Life" Planner
Available only at Powerbooks. This planner that will (hopefully) change my life for the better costs 800.00 Php. Cheap enough for something that promises to organize my life.

3. Obi Belt
Belts are in, and obi belts are in style! It is said that belts would accentuate one's figure and create an illusion of having a shapely body (which I'm craving to have). Since I don't have "time" (read: money) for the gym, I thought maybe an obi belt would help. I don't know how much do those belts exactly cost but if it is TOO expensive wide belts from Mango will do. :D

4. Hair Extensions
Once again I'm bored with my reddish-brownish hair (see Global Fun Photos for reference). So I'm dying to have them permed or extended. Since my dad doesn't want girls with permed hair, I'd really want my hair waist length without having to wait six months or so. A treat to the salon from you to have my hair extended would REALLY make me smile this wide: ^_____________________________________________________________^ and wider.

5. New School Bag
Actually, I can buy one for myself but I'd rather have that someone buy it for me. I don't like backpacks so a body bag or shoulder bag would do. Please do not buy me bags below 500php as they don't last long. Believe me, I've bought a lot of cheap bags that gets ruined in less than a semester. Benetton bags are really gorgeous so if you could afford me one, I'd love it. I dont like small bags, just so you know.

THIS JUST IN!

A friend of mine whom I haven't hear from nor seen in almost a year sent me a text message five minutes ago asking me if he was going to be a "ninong" for my baby. I almost fell out of my seat, laughing my ass off! I replied "bakit? May ibibigay ka bang baby sa kin?" Rumor has it that I AM pregnant. With what? Worms? Ew.. Hahahaha..

Guys, if you're going to spread a rumor about me make sure that I didn't just finish my period three days ago. Okay? Make it more believable next time.

Ciao!

Hell Week Na??!

A week after the sem started, I am experiencing hell week already. We already had a major report earlier, a quiz yesterday, another quiz tomorrow, reading assignments for my PR, technical writing, and statistics class! To top that off, I am once again on the brink of poverty because of the numerous photocopy fees and school supplies I have to buy. Whoa! This is just overwhelming!

I have a six day school week. One class from Monday to Friday and a nine to four class on Saturdays! Talk about week end. I am just taking a break from all the academic toxicity. Well, I guess I better do what I have to do now.

Open Minded?

Its funny how people claim to be open minded and totally be closed regarding certain things. Its so frustrating trying to make people you think would understand accept a situation that already was. Was there any harm done? Maybe there was, maybe there was not. I really don't know now.

You can't explain your side because in the end it would really be pointless. So hard. So heart breaking to think that those who you thought you can confide to would judge you, because of something you did out of tradition. It doesn't matter how hard you cry because deep inside you'd know that that would be the last time you'd do it because what you did is plain unacceptable. Morally wrong? I don't know.

It doesn't matter how many times you try to change the topic because it would still go back to that. You want to delve away from further details once you realize that you are now in the hot seat. You'd want to avoid the topic to escape the pangs of argument altogether but still the discussion continues on until you are out of words, hands up, giving in, admitting you are wrong.

You are once again the culprit, the mastermind of an act you thought was okay. While in the back of your mind you keep on thinking why the hell did you think it would be okay? You should have played safe, never assumed that it would be understood, you should have stood on the side lines as one of the audience not as the star.

Lesson learned.

Blogsary

Woohoo! I've been blogging for a year now, though I haven't had any posts for the last month or so, and I think its appropriate to commemorate the day I started blogging.

Looking back, I asked why people blog. Well I think writing is really a great outlet to express your frustrations, anger, anxiety, happiness, excitement and boredom. That is if you CAN express your thoughts through writing.

When I say writing, I mean pen and paper kind of thing. Blogging is different because with it comes the knowledge that anyone in the World Wide Web can have access to your entries no matter how personal they may be (unless you save them as drafts). For me blogging served the same purpose as writing with a twist. Somehow, I was hoping that those people I loathe will come across my entries and feel my wrath. Hahahaha! However, knowing that the people I hate are familiar only with Yahoo! and Friendster, the chances of them reading my entries are nil. Unless I advertise my site on Friendster and Yahoo! Mail.

I don't know why but I have been hot headed these past few days. My poor brother has been the recipient of my frequent outbursts and yelling. Tsk tsk. What's happening to me. This is not PMS as I have had my period last week (unless PMS means POST menstrual syndrome, then yes I have it).

I learned recently that I got a 1.5 on my technical writing class. A 1.5 when it was me helping Yela out through late nights! I submitted a lot of rush articles just so the newsletter would push through. I put captions on the pictures, Yela and I did most of the work, damn it! And now I find out that those who submitted but two articles get a higher grade than me?! Sheesh! No, I am not expecting a 1 but a 1.25 would give justice to the efforts I put. The only comfort I have regarding that subject is the knowledge that she failed the evaluation BIG TIME. I'd be cruel if I say that she should be out of UP but she should. I learned a lot more from the internet than I did during her classes.

I have a certain sense of animosity toward alcohol drinkers especially those I know. My dad's an alcoholic and it hasn't done him any good. I fear that those I know would end up just like him. I mean, can't you talk about trivial stuff without the involvement of alcohol? And if the reason is to add "the feel" to the moment, I think that is a very very lame excuse. Its so ironic how alcohol could have medicinal benefits yet in turn could kill you.

President GMA gave Joseph Estrada presidential pardon. She's so sucking up to the masses. The whole point of EDSA II revolution was flushed down the toilet along with her credibility. I can't believe the Philippines has been under her claws for almost ten years! She should have not been allowed to run for president last 2004. Oh well.

Halloween to all of you. May the spirits be with you.

You Look Steaming Hot!

"You look steaming hot!" is definitely one pick up line that would make a girl turn to whoever said it especially if that girl is casually walking, trying to get home before rain falls.

I went to SM Manila today to get my smart money card replaced. By eleven I was there hoping to get the card earlier so that I could go home earlier. But luck was against me. I was forced to wait until two in the afternoon since their card printing machine will be available at around that time. I don't know why, maybe their card printing machine did some shopping since it was SM's 3 day sale.

I spent my time in an internet cafe watching silly videos from spiked humor. Spiked really helps in killing time. The time it takes to buffer is longer than the time it takes to play the whole clip and before you know it, hours have already passed.

So there, I was able to get my card in less than thirty minutes. As I was finding my way out of the mall, I happened to have a fifty year old or so man behind me on the escalator. The next thing I know, he was asking for my name and whether HE could shop for me. Am I a DOM magnet?! That really freaked me out. Thank God the mall was packed with people, I easily lost him. I stood near a security guard for five minutes or so then walked out of the mall. I am now so paranoid.

As I was walking toward the jeepney "terminal" someone behind me said "you look hot." I didn't see who it was then. After a few seconds, the person exclaimed "you look STEAMING hot! You look gorgeous." And being a banidosa I turned around to see who it was and to make sure that that comment was addressed to me. Sure enough it was.

Yeah, it was flattering. How many times in your life do you get to be commented like that by a total stranger? But paranoid as I am, I didn't care to lengthen the interaction any further. Who knows, that guy might be planning something not good.

I held on to my stun gun tightly, turned around and walked faster to catch the last seat in an almost full jeepney.

After So Long

I haven't posted anything for a LONG while. Laziness got the best of me and before I know it, it's almost a new month! My blog is fast approaching it's first anniversary and yet I haven't updated it a bit... Huhu.. So sorry my blog.

Just got back from Palawan yesterday. We went there to commemorate Alex's dad's first death anniversary. We were supposedly going to the underground river but it was raining nonstop so we had to cancel all our trips and stay at their house instead. The trip was tiring but fun. Palawan is as beautiful as the brochures say. I saw a tuko by the way, it's not that huge.

My mind's wandering. I can't get to write a coherent write up. Come to think of it I should be doing the discussion outline due tomorrow. I should start working on my Psycholinguistics case study. I should be starting my essay for Or Com 152. There's a lot of things I SHOULD do but I lack the drive to do them. Maybe later. Haha. Procrastination is once again peeking.

HELL MONTH HERE I COME.

UP has no time to make student's nose bleed. That's too light. UP makes room for bloodshed though and I'm starting to bleed, nosebleed at this point.

I don't know what to do.

My back aches. I need to have a chair with a back rest.

I have to update my Multiply account as well. Gosh! I have to update lots of things. That sucks.

At Last!

Finally found a theme that suits my taste! Woohoo! Will be uploading pictures and inviting friends when all that has to be done is done.. Now I have to go study Math.

Bakasyon Na Ba?

Halos isang linggo na kong walang pasok. Kasi ba naman wala talaga kong pasok pag Tuesdays at Fridays tapos di pa ko pumasok nung Lunes, tapos binabagyo kami dito sa Maynila kaya ayun, kanselado ang mga klase. Hindi ko alam kung magsasaya ba ako sa dahil sa totoo lang, wala akong magawa. Gusto ko sanang manood ng Ratatouille pero wala naman akong makasama. Ang lungkot kaya nun! Manonood ka ng isang masayang pelikula tapos mag-isa kang tatawa. Siguro matutulog na lang ulit ako buong maghapon. Hindi rin pala masayang walang pasok lalo na kung wala kang mayayang lumabas.

Busy lahat ng tao o kaya naman walang pera. Hindi ko naman maivolunteer na ililibre ko sila kasi masama sa loob kong manlibre ngayon (with exception to a few people). Kahit anong pilit kong isama sila sa Ratatouille, di rin sila sasama, madidisappoint lang ko. Hindi ko na lang sila yayayain.

Dahil bumabagyo na, gusto kong bumili ng isang magandang trench coat. Yung magandang ipamporma pero hindi kasing haba ng mga coat nila sa Matrix. Masyadong mainit sa Pilipinas para sa ganung kasuotan. Meron akong konting ipon para dito ang problema na lang, wala akong makitang bibilhin.

Medyo sawa na rin ako sa mga games ng laptop ko. Buong araw ko ba namang nilaro lahat ng yun kahapon. Kaya ngayon, bagot na bagot na ko. Siguro dapat sa Lunes, excited na ulit akong pumasok.

Sana may Harry Potter book 7 o kahit anong libro ako para kahit di ako lumabas okay lang. Wala na ring gana ang mga palabas sa TV. Hindi nila napupukaw ang interes ko. Boring, dull, whatever. Wala rin namang makatext ng maayos dahil ang mga taong nanaisin mong magreply hindi mo alam kung tulog pa o ayaw lang talaga magtext.

Para bang lahat ng tao ngayon tamad na tamad. Oo, tama, hindi na lang ako magyayaya para hindi rin ako ma disappoint.

Tulog. Tulog na naman? Kagigising ko lang a. Sabagay, wala namang ibang magawa kaya sige, matutulog na lang ulit ako.

Bitch

I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
Tried to tell you
But you look at me like maybe
I'm an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried
Must have been relieved to see
The softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
All rolled into one

Chorus:
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean
You'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that
When I start to make you nervous
And I'm going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change
And today won't mean a thing

Just when you think, you got me figured out
The season's already changing
I think it's cool, you do what you do
And don't try to save me
I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
When you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numb, I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

Wrath

What I feel for you right now is pure wrath. I don't want to talk to you nor have you on my mind. You have the nerve to judge someone as unmanly when you yourself cannot stand up for what you did! You even thought I'd want to ruin you. With all due respect, why the hell would I want to ruin you? But now that you've given me the idea, I might consider it now.

When I say I do not want to talk to you, do not insist on contacting me or talking to me for I DO NOT want to hear anything from you. You ruined my trust to the core. I told you I didn't want to be emotionally attached to someone for the fear of too much emotional vulnerability yet you led me on. And there I was, so stupid to see that you, like any other typical man (or should I say boy) was using a "respectable" facade to cover up for the mess you do.

All I wanted was for you to accept that YES that happened but that is over now. You are so scared of what might happen to you. You are so concerned of saving you oh so divine face that you cannot accept that you did make a mistake. That's the difference between us. I accepted the risks and admitted that what happened was a mistake. To top that off I now realize that YOU were a huge mistake.

I am very easy to get along with and as equally easy to piss off. When I say I hate you out of the context that I am joking, I really do hate you.

Wrath - one of the seven deadly sins. I'm sinning right now, I'll ask for forgiveness later.

Disconnecting

I am on the process of disconnecting with the rest of the world that "ruined" me during the summer. I'm changing my number to escape the horrors I created. Never again will I involve myself with any controversies like this. Lesson learned the hard way.

Damn to all those self righteous people who couldn't stand up for what they did more so couldn't accept that he to makes mistakes like any other human being. Damn to those who want to ruin me. I'll get back on you... soon.

Breaking Down

I haven't had a peaceful sleep last night. I was so bothered about what I learned yesterday and the other issues surrounding it (i.e. Alex's messages to Robert and his girlfriend). I find myself uneasy and irritable during the day. My attention span is almost null. I barely managed to pass my seat work. I couldn't solve the Math problems that were given. My head hurts, my eyes are sore with lack of sleep. I put on "tons" of concealer under my eyes just to cover the bulging bags yet that even proved ineffective. No matter how "blooming" I seemed you'd still see how jittery and anxious I was.

I thought things were going to be okay. I was okay. I wasn't even thinking about what happened then all of a sudden this will happen? Spare me from more heartaches, I beg you. I can barely take any more.

I really wish the people I talk to would keep me sane but some even make things worse. I can't handle any more quarrels right now, please bear with me. Do not use a high tone of voice whenever you being irritated with me. You don't know how much close I am to snapping. Nobody understands what I am going through right now. I hope you would. Don't force me to think rationally because at this moment, I can't. I am simply overwhelmed with the recent revelations.

God! People take me for granted.

Truth

I didn't plan of going public about what happened this summer concerning me and a certain pastor who is, let's hide by the name Robert. But since he went all out about his version, I would want to air my side.

I highly disagree with your statement that I was the first who gave you attention, more so liked you. If you would remember clearly as I do for I do not forget first instances like that, you were the first who approached me, challenged me to several games of Word Factory. You were the one who wanted to be close to me because of your "goal" that your friend (who happens to be my ex-boyfriend) and I be reunited. I am naturally friendly and never expected that you would use that friendliness against me.

After the one week sport's festival, I didn't expect to hear from you, ever again since the event was over and we really had nothing more to talk about. You were the one who kept sending me text messages. I replied to those messages without malice, without any assumption, with nothing but friendliness. I mentioned in one of our conversations that I was a sucker for chocolate cakes. I also asked you where I could buy a hammock since I've been looking for it for a long time. Guess what? When you returned from Manila, you gave me a half roll of Goldilocks chocolate cake and a blue hammock. I offered to pay for the latter but you refused saying that it was your birthday gift to me.

You told me you were falling for me. I did not encourage you because I already had a boyfriend. It came to the point that you were even willing to give your present relationship up just so you could woo me. Yes, it also came to the point that I started liking you because of your edge in music and you know that well.

We became closer during the TV Production Camp (that I fully regret). After the said camp you started distancing yourself from me which I found weird at the moment that's why I wrote you a letter. In that letter I explained my side. I reiterated that I wanted nothing but platonic relationship between us, that I know how hurt your girlfriend is feeling. There was nothing in that letter to make you assume that I am running after you. There was NOTHING in that letter that would imply that I was in love with you or anything of the sort. That letter was a letter of hurt, of angst and of goodbyes to the romantic relationship I knew you wanted.

What hurts me dear pastor, is your telling Pastor Jubi that I was the one who liked you first and that I needed advising. With all due respect, ikaw ang patay na patay sa akin. I clearly remember you saying "darating ang araw mapapaibig din kita." Well, guess what? That day will never ever come.

That was a summer thing and summer is over so why are you still wallowing in it's memories? You are so insecure with what other people will say about you that you turn stories upside down just to make your oh so mighty, oh so clean pastor status intact and in return ruin my reputation. Just think of it, what would people think of me now? That I am a boyfriend thief? Hell no! I am happy with Alex. We have our dark days but we're fine.

Of your 25 years of existence you have the emotional maturity of a teen ager who experienced this kind of scenario for the first time. Yes maybe it was your first time, pero wag lang sarili mo ang isipin mo. What if I am not strong in faith and would stumble because of your acts of self righteousness?

Is this why you said you were sorry a couple of weeks ago? Is it because you have started to ruin me slowly? It's a good thing I'm here in Manila, I have a lot of diversion and the fact that I am anonymous helps a lot.

I am mad and right now I won't ask for forgiveness for whatever I just wrote.

From Blue to Reddish, Pinkish Something Else

I haven't had an entry for the past two weeks. I was spending most of my internet time finding suitable pose for my creative shot thus resulting to me having no time to create an entry, except for now because I already had my pictures taken. Yes, I had my grad pic taken today and for my creative shot, I chose to be one of the seven deadly sins - Pride in the form of Vanity. Cool huh? :D

Somebody told me that blue was beginning to be a boring color on me. I mean, almost all my clothes are in the shade of blue and yes I have to agree that it is beginning to look dull on me. So I'm on the process of a wardrobe makeover: buying more reddish, pinkish, orange-ish clothes, collecting skirts and skinny jeans and slowly not wearing loose pants. With this ritual I find myself letting go of the always cheerful, kikay, somewhat shallow me that people always perceive to the more serious, deep, melancholy me. Let's see what this would result in.

I can't wait for August 4 to come. I'd get to see how I registered on the camera. I really hope it's great.

I have a report on Psycholinguistics tomorrow and guess what? I haven't prepared yet! Wow! This is so me.. "Procrastination come forth!"

Eating is one of my favorite past times yet I don't seem to have any time for that these days. But no matter how many times I not eat, I don't seem to be losing any weight. All I get is an empty rumbling stomach.

I... I... I can't think of anything else to say..

I'm Better

The past months (May-June) can be labelled as one of the most trying times of my life. "Confused" was a word I used to describe my then current state of being. I couldn't understand myself, I was depressed more often than not, I dragged people down with me to wallow in the loneliness I alone feel.

But now I can strongly say "I'm okay". I am back (hopefully) to the focused being I was before all of these madness started. I just had to take a whiff of Manila's polluted air and I became alright.

To all the people I've hurt during my two months of a so called "self discovery" (a term I find completely untrue for I have not yet fully "found" what I was looking for) I beg your forgiveness. I was insane, well part of me was.

Anyway.. enough drama.

I'm going to have my grad pic photo shoot a few weeks from now. I'm jittery with excitement! I want to graduate badly but I still have to stay a year more since I shifted too late. Well at least I'm going to graduate with my course of choice.

NOTE: Never get into a course your parents tell you to get unless you want it.

I'm here in Mindoro to supposedly attend the hospital's weekend excursion. But I have my period and its raining hard so I have all the excuses to stay home and type this blog entry instead. :D

I just heard that my ex boyfriend was getting married next year. Good for him. It's about time too. I'll be walking down the aisle in a few year's time. Just have to get financially (emotionally, mentally) ready for that big day.

Why does marriage sound so final to me that it scares me?

It is really cold. It hasn't stopped raining since I got here. It makes me want to dive under thick sheets of blanket and sleep the night and day away.. :D

Blooming?

For the past days that I've been in school, one day hasn't passed that nobody commented that I was "blooming". It really surprises me and makes me think back to the past sem(s) that I was in UP. Is this the first time that I (again) took time to "beautify" myself before going to class or going to somewhere outside the dorm. It flatters me of course that people are noticing how much my looks have improved, which makes me wonder why notice only now?

So for anyone who'd and who have been asking what my "beauty secret" was, I guess you just have to make some effort to fix yourself up before leaving the house and have a tinge of revenge for those who have broken you (eto bang mukhang to yung sinaktan nyo? I'm better) and "fear" that your special someone might turn his eyes away from you because you don't know how to make yourself look good anymore. After all, physical attraction is the first attraction, right? I find the drive to always make myself look presentable to anyone I'd meet and don't expect to meet.

I find myself waking an hour and a half or an hour before classes just so I would have some time for my kikay rituals and all. Normally if I have an 8:30 class I'd wake up at around 7:45-8:00, take a shower, put on the first clothes I could grab from my dresser, dab a bit of powder on my face, tie my hair into a pony tail and run for it hoping I'd arrive on time for class. I don't know why I find it easier to wake up early now.

I hope I don't run out of clothes to wear though, I still have to save money for clothes.

School Blues

It's been eight days since I last posted something. Man! It's hot here in Manila. I've developed some kind of heat rash and my voice is becoming scratchy from dehydration. It doesn't matter how many liters of water I gulp down, the heat still overpowers me... Tsk tsk.

I've been going to school for five days now and I still am unofficially enrolled. This year's late registration is really late! I'll be paying my fees on the 20th when all subjects have been settled. For now, I have no classes on Tuesdays and Fridays making my week a 3 day school week! Yey! Cheers to that.

Crap. I've got at most seven minutes to wrap this thing up. It's almost twelve and the dorm's PC should be off by that time.

I'm still on the process of getting the summer stuff off my system. A little more, I'm almost okay. :D

Nothing much to say since only two classes have started their sessions.

Later.

Summer Thing

Summer's definitely almost over despite the ever so persistent burning heat the sun is giving out. An elder at our church told me that this heat is three times hotter that before. I don't know when that "before" was but this definitely is way hotter than last summer.

My summer was definitely not a bore. Let's just say I had a few things to keep me perked up during the two months of bumming around. There was this annual sport's fest the Adventist Youth Federation of Oriental Mindoro organizes every March or April, then there was this TV Production Workshop last May. My aunt got married yesterday and the things to prepare for kept me busy for weeks.

I met a lot of people. Got close with a lot and too close with some to the point that my being over friendly was mistaken for something else. It was fun, though - fun to think that I still appear attractive to a lot of people (guys and girl(s) alike) even though a friend of mine from Manila cannot fully accept the fact that I am attractive. Grr... Some friend. Hahaha. Kidding.

This is definitely gonna be an emotional entry for me.

I am leaving tomorrow for Manila. Classes start on the 13th. I am now a senior and the gravity of the fact that I am getting old is rapidly sinking in. I got in touch with both my grade school and high school friends this past weeks and it surprises me to know that my closest guy friend in high school shares the same sentiments I have with regards to graduating. His mom died a couple of years ago so he is looking forward to finishing his studies to help his two other siblings. Sabi nga nya dati ang iniisip pa lang namin ay kung anong kurso ang kukunin namin sa kolehiyo, ngayon ang iniisip na namin ay kung paano kikita ng pera para maibsan ang gastos ng aming mga magulang. I personally want to earn money ASAP because I do not want to ask money from my mom anymore. I always hear her complain about how hard it is to earn money and asking for two thousand a week (minimum) is just too much for me.

I don't know what awaits me this year. I'll definitely be busier (thank God). I want to be busy so that my mind will be turned away from all the happenings of this summer that has affected me. I don't want to feel neglected and keeping myself occupied with academic and extra curricular stuff will definitely make me forget about the people who seem to have left me hanging.

Leaving has always been hard for me. I am both thrilled and sad that I once again have to leave.

I am looking forward to this semester, to this year and to next summer. I'll change. We all do. I don't know who I'll be next year. I don't know why I am so unsure with myself these days.

I won't be surprised if somebody calls me up to ask about this entry.

God bless this school year.

The Call

When I say I need to talk to you it does not necessarily mean I have something to tell you. I just want to hear your voice on the other line, to somehow comfort me from whatever negative emotions I am having right now. I'm sorry if I'm not talking, I don't know what to say. I just want to feel assured that you're still there, loving me, needing me too.

I need you to call not because I have one heck of a problem to get through (that's only a small part of why I needed to talk to you) but because somehow I feel unsafe of where I stand, unsecure, and I need you there to say even the most cliched "don't worry, everything will be alright" or even the cheesiest "I love you" will suffice.

I needed to feel we were still connected. If only I had the means to call you every second of every day, I would.

Happiness

It's been months (maybe years) since we last talked as care freely as this. It's been too long since we had a light conversation. "Normally" things would just heat up, topped with tempers flaring and not so nice words. What we had today was great.

I was able to say the things I wanted to say without even filtering them just so it would sound neutral enough. I laughed. For the first time in so long we had a fun phone conversation. He was able to pull prank(s) at me without me even making a really big deal out of it. For the first time since I don't know when, I actually was comfortable talking to him again. God, I do hope things are turning around for good.

I didn't want to end the call, I don't know when I last felt that. "Normally" I'd want to talk to him as less as possible because things would just turn nasty and hurtful. Now, we had an hour plus conversation and it didn't seem that long. Nakakabitin pa nga.

If this is a dream, I don't want to wake up (so cliche but true). This school year is (hopefully) going to be better.

Sleepless

Went to bed at around 11.30. Guess what? I had to get up to make myself sleepy enough to sleep.

I can't sleep. Not because I have trouble sleeping but because of the things I've been thinking about. Damn, they're too many to simply be ignored. I blame all those things and people that keep entering my mind. Yeah, you give me one heck of a sleepless night when I should be dozing off because I have to get up early tomorrow.

Come Monday and I'll be enrolling as a senior at the University of the Philippines-Manila. The gravity of me being a senior this year is slowly sinking in. I'm getting older and what the heck am I still doing bumming around? I should be more productive with the time I have. I'm both excited and anxious about the coming school year. I hope I do better.

I was able to read the Ateneo School of Medicine and Public Health program and believe me, it made me jittery with excitement. I once again have a tiny spark of really wanting to go to med school because I want to and not because they want me to. Ateneo's program really is interesting because at the end of the five year program, you get to become a doctor of medicine with an MA in management. Cool and double cool. I am so looking forward to the application process that it makes me not sleep. Grr.

Alex moved back to his ate's house. I never even got the chance to say goodbye to "our" home. I know he's better off at his sisters care but it's just sad to think about all the good and bad times we had in that house knowing that things will not be the same.

Ah.. The people that have been entering my mind these days should not be thought of in the first place but here I am not getting any rest because of them. I really wish my defenses were higher. I show the world how unaffected I am by the people who keep on insisting that they become part of my world but then again, here I am thinking of how to get rid of them. I don't want them in my life. Maybe I was too overfriendly (redundant? it's that exaggerated) with them that they got too comfortable butting themselves into my life. I am deeply affected by your existence, just so you know and I don't want that. No matter, come school days I will be too occupied to even think and/or wait for a hint that you do remember me. Ah. The pain of being histrionic. It bothers me if those who claim to care don't even send a single message.

I hate you all tonight. I should be sleeping yet here I am ranting the night away with my silly wants. Lets end whatever hopes you have of even being a big part of my life. The big space has already been filled.

Am I exhausted enough to sleep now? I don't know. We'll see.

Don't Cha

I know you like me
I know you do 
That's why whenever I come around
She's all over you 
And I know you want it 
It's easy to see 
And in the back of your mind 
I know you should be on with me

Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me 
Don't you wish your girlfriend was a freak like me 
Don't cha
Don't cha 
Don't you wish your girlfriend was raw like me 
Don't you wish your girlfriend was fun like me 
Don't cha
Don't cha 

Fight the feeling 
Leave it alone
Cause if it ain't love it just ain't enough
To leave a happy home 
Let's keep it friendly 
You have to play fair 
See, I don't care 
But I know she ain't gon' wanna 

I'm Back!

"Magandang araw po sa inyo mga ka-You. Ako si Roan at ito ang YOU, ang programa kung saan ikaw ang bida!"

Yes folks, after a week long workshop, I'm back to my monotonous vacation life. Haha. That seminar was probably the highlight of my two months of bumming around. The past week spelled out nothing but F-U-N (oh and T-I-R-I-N-G and T-O-X-I-C). To top that off, I got a little skinnier because of my "health food" diet and prolly lack of sleep.

I met people from Laguna, Quezon, Occidental Mindoro, and Batangas. They were fun to be with which made me think why in the world did I join a mission wide event just now?

Let me give you a recap of the whole week just to let you know how tiringly fun it was.

May 21, Monday
We arrived at around 8.30 in the morning. Orientation was to start at 10. We didn't even get the chance to have even a bit of a shut eye. Anyway, I'm used to not sleeping so it really didn't matter. Had lunch at 12 and resumed the thingy at 1.30. Dinner was at 6 and at 7, the acting workshop began. Thank heavens, I joined Tanghalang Batingaw for a year. Acting was a piece of cake. Haha. We were allowed to sleep at around 1am (Note: I haven't slept the previous night and here I was burning my acting ass off). We had to be ready by 7.30 in the morning.

May 22, Tuesday
Set my alarm at 5.45, woke up thirty minutes earlier. Why not, almost all of my room mates were up. Had to bathe and eat to be prepared for later's activities. We had a boring morning session about script writing. Good thing Kuya Bobot was sitting beside me. At least I had someone to talk to and pass the time. However, I really really wish I just slept. Haha.

The afternoon event was more entertaining! We were grouped into six where we were to make our own stint depending on what was assigned to us. Our group was tasked to make ads and stuff for marketing. It was more light compared to what the other teams had to do. It was fun! Plus I got to work with those who I wanted to work with from the start. They were Luke Ivan (Occ. Mdo), Grace Ann (Lucban, Quezon), Aladin (Occ. Mdo.), Yvonne (Or. Mdo), Robert (Or. Mdo.) and our invisible groupmate Grace (Laguna).

May 23, Wednesday
On location shooting at the West Valley Complex in Masin Sur, Candelaria, Quezon was our activity for that day. Our group was assigned to do a musical act via the kids of their church. I didn't know how it went since I pulled out from my group to aid the marketing committee.

The whole day was more relaxing and the place was really good. Their church was cozy and air conditioned. A lot of us slept inside the church. Ah. Now that's what you call a house of God. Hehe.

May 24, Thursday
We had to make our own production as a group wherein drama, newscasting, hosting, musical, marketing and PA would be incorporated. I directed for our group, hosted for another and did a drama act for the 5th group. The whole shoot took us hours! Thirteen hours to be exact. Group one started at around 2pm and group six was able to finish at 3am. The life of an actor is so tiring. Haha.

May 25, Friday
After all that we did the previous night, we had to do a remake because nobody was able to reach the 45 minute quota. It was hilarious. All of us were dead tired yet we had to make another production. Good thing, Direk Raffy made all 33 of us members of a single group. The work was highly specified resulting to a speedier wrap up.

I left for Manila at around three in the afternoon. Watched Shrek the Third and Pirates of the Caribbean on Saturday and Sunday respectively. My reviews for these movies will be posted at my friendster account.

What if I was made to be a media person after all?

Just a Thought

You'd notice at which month I am the busiest just by looking at the number of posts I had for that month. March only had one post. It was HELL month, I tell you. And May amazingly has eleven, the most number of entries in a month so far. May is probably the month where I bum the most! Haha!

Oh wait, with this entry, May has a dozen posts! :D

Broadcast Communication and TV Production Seminar

From May 21-26, our church will be holding a week long broad comm and TV production camp. I've anticipated this event for weeks now. In a few hours, my fellow delegates will be picking me up so that we may travel together to San Pablo, Laguna where the event will be held.

However, what I'm feeling right now is far from excitement. This is the feeling I get whenever I leave home. I'm feeling really sad about having to be far away from my family for even a week. I'm definitely gonna miss my brother. Actually, I think my brother is the only person holding me back (although he really wanted me to go expecting "surprises" when I come back).

I don't know what to expect. The last time I went for a week long camp was way back in my junior year in high school (I'm an incoming senior in college). So you do the math.

I think I over packed stuff. I don't even know if I'll be using this much clothes in six days. But what the heck, it's a TV prod camp, I should always look good. Is it too much to bring a pair of slip ons, a pair of formal shoes, slippers and rubber shoes? :/ Grr.. The hard part of being a girl! Ang daming kaartehan! I had to change bags THREE times because the other two were just too small. I don't even know how many comfy shirts did I pack as opposed to those not so comfy but oh so classy.. tsk tsk.. Oh well.

I'll be bringing three bags all in all. One big back pack for majority of my stuff, one average sized body bag for small things that are important, and my laptop bag for, well, my laptop. I have to drag this thing along because we'll be editing videos and stuff (and for that I thank my ever so techy Dadei for teaching me the basic know how of video editing! :D)

I'm waiting for them to pick me up. It's 8:28 pm. They said they will be coming at around 9pm. I just hope they won't be late.

All You Wanted

ALL YOU WANTED
Michelle Branch

I wanted to be like you
I wanted everything
So I tried to be like you
And I got swept away

I didn't know that it was so cold
And you needed someone
to show you the way
So I took your hand and we figured out
That when the tide comes
I'd take you away

If you want to
I can save you
I can take you away from here
So lonely inside
So busy out there
And all you wanted
was somebody who cares

I'm sinking slowly
So hurry hold me
Your hand is all I have to keep me hanging on
Please can you tell me
So I can finally see
Where you go when you're gone

If you want to
I can save you
I can take you away from here
So lonely inside
So busy out there
And all you wanted
was somebody who cares

All you wanted was somebody who cares
If you need me you know I'll be there
Oh, yeah

If you want to
I can save you
I can take you away from here
So lonely inside
So busy out there
And all you wanted
was somebody who cares

Please can you tell me
So I can finally see
Where you go when you're gone

Love Story

I cannot understand why one person would be sending me (and everyone else in her address book) emails containing several love stories. I hate these kinds of love stories, most of them are about regrets, about losing someone you hold dear, about death, about all those sad (sometimes stupid) things people do to their loved ones.

I cry a lot and I cry even at the cheesiest love stories, that's why I hate these heart breakers. They make me cry. I can feel the bittersweet emotions of the characters as the other person's love for them is unveiled but then again it is too late.

Despite me not wanting to cry over cheesy stories, here I am killing time through reading those emails. I want to feel again maybe that's why I endure the heart crushing tales. I want to feel the love the characters felt, the pain, the joy, everything.

Maybe I am just too cheesy. Maybe I am too influenced by what I see on TV or what these emails contain. I don't know. Anyway, what do I know these days?

"I'm so sick of love songs, so sad and slow. So why can't I turn off the radio?"

Halalan 2007

It's seven hours before voting precints open. Seven hours and yet I still haven't filled the 12 slots for the senatorial position. Here are the names I'm sure of putting on my ballot:

1. Chiz Escudero
2. Joker Arroyo
3. Ed Angara
4. Kiko Pangilinan
5. Panfilo Lacson
6. Miguel Zubiri
7. Ralph Recto
8. Mike Defensor

I need twelve and so far only eight were qualified enough for me. I have no idea wether Aquino is good or whether he is running under the shadow of his father. Legarda is so over rated when, come to think of it, she's so balimbing. Peter Cayetano is very tactless, besides there's already a Cayetano in the senate and I am against political dynasties.

Come to think of it, even if I add these three to my list I still have one slot available. Who to put? I really have no idea. It's as if I'm asking myself "who would steal less from the country's budget?"

Here's the official list of the senatorial candidates:

1 ANGARA, Edgardo J. Ed LABAN
2 AQUINO, Benigno Simeon III C.* Noynoy Liberal Party
3 ARROYO, Joker P. Joker Kabalikat ng Malayang Pilipino
4 BAUTISTA, Martin D. Dr. B Ang Kapatiran
5 CANTAL, Felix C. Peck Philippine Green Republic Party
6 CAYETANO, Alan Peter S. ** Compa_ero Nacionalista Party
7 CAYETANO, Joselito P. *** Peter Kilusang Bagong Lipunan
8 CHAVEZ, Melchor G. Mel Kilusang Bagong Lipunan
9 COSETENG, Anna Dominique M. Nikki Independent
10 DEFENSOR, Michael T. Tol Lakas-CMD
11 ENCISO, Ruben C. Bobby Enciso Kilusang Bagong Lipunan
12 ESCUDERO, Francis Joseph G. Chiz Nationalist People’s Coalition
13 ESTRELLA, Antonio L. Tony Kilusang Bagong Lipunan
14 GOMEZ, Richard I. Goma Independent
15 HONASAN, Gregorio B. Gringo Independent
16 KIRAM, Jamalul D. Kiram PDSP
17 LACSON, Panfilo M. Ping UNO
18 LEGARDA, Loren B. Loren Nationalist People’s Coalition
19 LOZANO, Oliver O. Oli Kilusang Bagong Lipunan
20 MAGSAYSAY, Vicente P. Vic Lakas-CMD
21 MONTANO, Cesar M. Buboy Lakas-CMD
22 ORETA, Teresa Tao A. Tessie Nationalist People’s Coalition
23 ORPILLA, Eduardo F. Ed Kilusang Bagong Lipunan
24 OSMENA, John Henry R. Sonny UNO
25 PANGILINAN, Francis N. * Kiko Liberal Party
26 PAREDES, Zosimo Jesus II M. Jess Paredes Ang Kapatiran
27 PICHAY, Prospero Jr. A. Butch Lakas-CMD
28 PIMENTEL, Aquilino L. Koko PDP-Laban
29 RECTO, Ralph G. Korecto Lakas-CMD
30 ROCO, Sonia M. Inang Guro Aksyon Demokratiko
31 SINGSON, Luis C. Chavit Lakas-CMD
32 SISON, Adrian O. Dado Ang Kapatiran
33 SOTTO, Vicente III C. Tito Nationalist People’s Coaltion
34 TRILLANES, Antonio IV F. Magdalo UNO
35 VILLAR, Manuel Jr., B. Manny Nacionalista Party
36 WOOD, Victor N. Vic Kilusang Bagong Lipunan
37 ZUBIRI, Juan Miguel F. Migz Lakas-CMD

Those working under some of this people are more qualified to work in the senate than they are. Being a senator is one of the top positions in the country. Choosing who to place there is hard considering the fact that only a handful are promising enough.

They spend millions on campaign materials, what do they get in return?

What's in a Name?

Romina Angela.

How unique my name sounded to me. Especially because it is he reason why Alex and I met. Long story.

"Romina Angela" was so special, I even got mad when my mom told me that she had a patient with the same name that I had. To make it worse, the parents were even proud that they named their daughter after me! Even my nick name was not left untouched! Grr!

Had I not been held back, I would have given money to the parents just so their newborn baby be supplied with a new name. I mean, come on! Is there really a shortage of names that you have to deliberately copy mine? My parents exhausted a hell lot of brain cells just to come up with a "unique" name then you have the guts to name your child after me? Put some effort into naming your kid! Imagine the pressure your child has to go through because she bears the same name as mine.

Have mercy on the kid. Change her name while she's still not in grade school or better yet, migrate to another province just so the chances of having the child enroll in the same school(s) I went to will be minimized.

It's not easy being Romina Angela especially in a town as small as Pinamalayan. You have to live up to the expectations of the people around you. As I have previously stated, I am no Hollywood superstar but it's almost the same. That name is mine and copying it does not flatter me at all.

NEVER ever copy somebody else's name especially if you and that person are within the same town or in my case, two blocks away. What will you tell your child if he/she asks the etymology of his/her name?

To everyone else out their who's planning on their children's names, be more creative. There are 26 letters in the alphabet and a lot more combinations you could make with those.

Lucky

Lucky
Britney Spears

Early morning
She wakes up with a
Knock, knock, knock on the door
It's time for makeup
Perfect smile
It's you they're all waiting for

Isn't she lovely
This Hollywood girl

She's so lucky, she's a star
But she cry, cry, cries in her lonely heart, thinking
If there's nothing missing in my life
Then why do these tears come at night

Lost in an image, in a dream
But there's no one there to wake her up
And the world is spinning, and she keeps on winning
But tell me what happens when it stops?
They go…
"Isn't she lovely, this Hollywood girl?"
And they say…

She's so lucky, she's a star
But she cry, cry, cries in her lonely heart, thinking
If there's nothing missing in my life
Then why do these tears come at night

Isn't she lucky, this Hollywood girl?
She is so lucky, but why does she cry?
If there's nothing missing in her life
Why do tears come at night?

She's so lucky, she's a star
But she cry, cry, cries in her lonely heart, thinking
If there's nothing missing in my life
Then why do these tears come at night
_____________________________________________________

I'm no Hollywood superstar but the story's still the same.

Bruising

I bruise easily.

Well, it wasn't really a big deal because I bruise every month before I have my period. That was before I bruised two weeks after my period. I have a three inch long bruise on my left leg and several more on my thighs and knees.

I had my CBC (complete blood count) done today only to find out that my white blood cells and red blood cells are lower than normal in count. Not only that, the viscosity of my blood was also low.

Have I made it sound toxic already? That's the effect I was hoping for.. Haha! It's really not that serious. Not what a few vitamins and ferrous intakes wouldn't fix. I just wanted to make it sound worse than it is, see who'd care..

Oh no! My histrionic pangs are striking again! Tsk tsk tsk.. Pansinin nyo ko.. Hahaha! I'm really kinda out of my mind these days... I laugh a lot, not by myself though but at myself. :D

Seriously? I was hoping the CBC would be worse than what it really was. Maybe I have some sort of Münchhausen's syndrome, i dunno..

"Its never always the tears that measure the pain, sometimes its the smile we fake.."

*depression, frustration, anger, silence*

Torn

Torn
Natalie Imburlgia

I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry
Well you couldnt be that man I adored
You dont seem to know, dont seem to care what your heart is for
But I dont know him anymore
Theres nothing where he used to lie
My conversation has run dry
Thats whats going on, nothings fine Im torn

Im all out of faith, this is how I feel
Im cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
Im wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
Youre a little late, Im already torn

So I guess the fortune tellers right
Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
To crawl beneath my veins and now
I dont care, I have no luck, I dont miss it all that much
Theres just so many things that I cant touch, Im torn

Im all out of faith, this is how I feel
Im cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
Im wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
Youre a little late, Im already torn. torn.

Theres nothing where he used to lie
My inspiration has run dry
Thats whats going on, nothings right, Im torn

Im all out of faith, this is how I feel
Im cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
Im wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
Im all out of faith, this is how I feel
Im cold and Im ashamed bound and broken on the floor
Youre a little late, Im already torn
___________________________________________

Try looking for the mime version of this song in either YouTube or Spikedhumor. Sorry can't give you the link. I'm too lazy to look for it right now.. haha! I'm once again super hyper and I don't know why or I just don't want to write why, I just need to pour my hyper-ness into something like writing an ultra long sentence with very little sense at all. Whew!

It's our 32nd month tomorrow. Just stating. Nothing really special planned for the day. Unless he does something really special for tomorrow which I don't know what and am not counting on.. Hahaha! I'm enjoying this long sentences for it shows the level of hyper-ness I have in my system right now..

*pauses*

Gee.. I hope this is not some defense mechanism thingy..

Sheesh..

Tiring

My head hurts, my chest feels worse.

Why do we have to quarrel every single time we get in touch? Why do you always have to use that tone of voice on me when we speak, which leads me to interpret your SMS as having the same tone. How can you expect me to warm up to you when I have to raise my defenses just so I won't be blamed (again)? Yeah, maybe I am too sensitive, too bratty, too whatever. I don't know. I seem to not understand your lingo anymore and it seems you cannot decipher mine either. Or maybe, just maybe, over the past three years we've changed a lot without even noticing it.

Stop being blind and see the fact that I am not the only one to blame for every outburst I have. Check how you speak, be conscious of the words you use, see what non verbal cues you produce. You must know by now what stuff lead me react negatively.

Do not expect me to apologize right away. I am a very proud person and accepting that I am wrong takes time, lots of it. If you get tired of waiting, don't force me to say it lest you be met with an insencere one and you know what happens next.

We've been together for almost three years now. I have changed and so have you. I don't know what the point of this last paragraph is. So there.

History Maker er.. Untamed

What on earth happened to your blog Anniefair?! I was caught off guard! I was expecting a dark facade and then a very white template hits my eyes. You can just imagine my moment of unbelief (and light blindness) when I clicked your link. To top that off, you don't have a tagboard or comment area where I can place this whole thingamajig so I had to make a whole entry just to blurt out how shocking the new look of your blog was. Whew! That was a long sentence.

Anyway, read your latest entry and it seems to be a rebut to my entry. Haha! At least I know you read my stuff.

First of all, why on earth do you lack self confidence when there you are reaping 1.0s as well? That's kind of an insult to someone like me who barely makes to the CS or more so the US list. Tsk tsk.. Quoting from Tickle Me Emo "you're not the only one with issues you know!" Hehe.. just kidding (or not).. hahaha..

Secondly, kindly place a comment area on you new blog so next time I don't have to make an entry just to comment on how bright your chosen template was.

Wahaha! I'm being praning today! Well, why not? It's my birthday. I have all the right to be one.

Something went wrong with my last entry. The system won't allow me to have spaces for every paragraph so bear with it. It's kinda irritating though.

Blah blah blah.. Happy birthday to me!

Before 20

"Jelai has a birthday, we're so glad.

Let us see how many she has had.

As we count the candles we are told:

one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten,

eleven,twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen!

Jelai is nineteen years old."

It's my last year as a teen-ager and for the first time I felt the want to stop time so that I will not grow older. What bothers me is not the fact that I have turned nineteen but the matter that in a years time, I will no longer be a teen-ager. It somehow overwhelms me with the feeling of much more added responsibilities and the force to mature - to "act my age".

While other people are thinking about going to graduate school, not getting a job right after graduation, I somehow feel the need to get a job as soon (or in at most three months) after I graduate. I feel the need to earn and save just to satisfy my needs (and some wants) without being a burden to my parents anymore. Guilt strikes me whenever my mom complains that we don't have enough money for this and that. I feel as if I need to earn just so she can take me off the Expenses List.

Ah money! If only I have to think only about myself, that would indeed be easier.

Six people have already greeted at the stroke of 12 today. I'm expecting more greetings tomorrow.

To everyone else who haven't sent their greetings yet, you can convert every message to hundred peso bills, that would really be of help. :D But since most of us are on vacation mode, I know we can barely scratch a peso from our pockets. With this matter at hand, I half-heartedly thank you for your greetings.

Kidding (or not).. :D

Anyway, Spiderman 3's first showing date is today. To everyone planning to watch it on IMAX, don't even think it's possible if you haven't had your reservations yet. It's booked til the sixth. So if you want to catch it on the first showing date, better settle with a regular cinema. Too bad, I'm in the province. Can't watch it on the first showing date, on the first showing time and be a everybody else's spoiler. That takes the fun away.

My hair's straight, I'm getting fat, I don't have a summer love (not that I'm looking for one but I want to get even with Alex's summer love last year *evil grin*), what's to entertain me this vacation?

Ah! I'm ranting too much nonsense! Probably caused by the lack of sleep I have incurred this past week I spent in Manila.

Got to have my beauty rest for later's celebration (if ever there's gonna be one).

Nighty night.. Happy birthday to me!

Drama Queen

Received my grades for the past sem. Got the following marks.
OC 140: 1.25
OC 104: 1.75
OC 107: 1.75
DS 126: 1.75
DS 128: 1.75
Span 2: 2.5
Total: 1.79

So close to being a college scholar but then again something went wrong. 0.04 points away to be exact. The tendency would be for me to blame whoever gave me the lowest score, but that wouldn't help. So maybe I'll rejoice for the moment and thank God for helping me the past sem.

I wasn't able to sleep well last night (or morning). My heart is beating in a way that makes me think if I had any caffeine intake that day. I cried just so my eyes would be tired enough and sleep but that proved to be of little help at all. I'd wake up every few hours or so, check my phone for any messages and get really disappointed upon seeing that nobody remembered to send me a message. Come to think of it, it's around two or three in the morning, who'd be thinking of me that time?

I lost my momentum. Note to self: Do not read your entry at the middle of writing it.

I am waiting for someone to be with me. I still haven't felt any hint that we'd be together together today. I blame my hormones for making me today's drama queen. My head hurts from lack of sleep. But I can't breathe whenever I try to get some shut eye. Damn you heart, why do you beat so fast? I didn't drink any coffee or eat chocolates that might trigger you to react that way. Keep still please. But not too still lest I die.

I want to die. I mean, if I die I guess that'd be a relief for me. But then again, thinking of all the people I'd leave behind if I do die, I change my statement - I want to live.

Make me feel special, own me even if I'm yours. Woo me every waking moment, I am very vulnerable to change, remind me I'm yours. More so, make me feel I'm yours. I don't need mere words, I can solicit those from whoever I like to hear it. Am I asking too much? If I am blame the hormones.

By the way, I found my chucks. Thank God for that. I feel prettier now.

She Moved On

Do you know the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? It's pro'ly one of the best movies I've ever seen. It's a love story led by Kate Winslett and Jim Carrey wherein both had their minds reprogrammed so that they would not remember anything about the other person. However, sometime after the whole thing they still ended up with each other... Yada yada yada, end of story.

It's been almost a year since the "infamous" girl entered our lives and left with only me not being able to recover fully. I am still hating her from the innermost depths of my feelings. They say time heals wounds, but until when will I be healed from this pang I feel every time I "accidentally" see her Friendster account, until when will I reminisce the times I hurt because of her, until when will I be affected by the mere memory of that girl and that event?

For heavens sake, she has moved on! I don't know if she's happy with her new life and somehow I pray that she isn't. Somehow I still wish she'll feel what she did to me.

Damn! I'm only making things worse for myself.

The memory of what happened a year ago seemed to hinder my emotional growth to give way to insecurity attacks. I am so tired of having to hurt every freakin' time those memories hit me. I am so sick of having to check every account he has just to be sure that there is no one else. I know he's damn tired of all the fuss I make. But then again, what am I to do? It seems that I am stuck with the bitter memory of him and her.

I don't want to be affected by her anymore. I'm so fed up with the memory of her. If the memory erasing process in Eternal Sunshine were true, I'd sign up for one no matter how expensive it is just so what she has done and everything concerning her will be of no matter to me. I want to be free from the chains I've locked myself to.

God, please set me free.

A Week After

April 8-15 proved to be one of the most tiring and toxic weeks ever. But the difference between this weeks and the finals week (or month) at UP is that I coin the latter "hell week" while this proved to be the complete opposite. It was during this week that the annual Oriental Mindoro Adventist Youth Sports Festival was held at the town gymnasium of Gloria.

I had the chance of competing with eleven districts in two very exhausting games (i.e. Scrabble and Word Factory) and ended up being the champion. Ha! Beat that! *big grin*...

But what's more fun about being in this kind of activity is that you get to meet so many people where I, being a very epal person loved! I had lots of new acquaintances and got close with a few. I also was able to make stronger ties with people from our district. We had a lot of chance to bond and get to know each other better, which really proved to be worth all the drowsiness and hoarse voice. And when I say hoarse voice, I mean a really hoarse one to the point that I do not have enough voice left to speak. I have to clap just to get the attention of people more than 3 ft away from me. In other cases wherein the ones I want to talk to are near enough, I still have to speak real close to their ear for them to understand what I'm saying. It's really frustrating especially for me (being epal and all) to not be able to convey verbally what I want or feel. This is one of those times that you'd barely hear a word from me... Ah.. the frustration in that.

I got a little tanned too, which I found looks better on me. It made me look more alive. I mean comparing with my relatively fairer skin before the event, having a little more color is better.

I'm still kinda drowsy having to sleep only two hours last Saturday and being awake until three in the morning of Sunday. Wooziness is all over me. 0_o

What I'm looking forward to is the five day TV Production and Broadcast Communication Camp this May 21-25 to be held in San Pablo, Laguna. Not only will I have a free training on broad comm and tv prod, but will also have another chance to meet with the people I met during the sports fest. *jittery with excitement* Imagine, I get to be trained for free wherein if I choose the ABS-CBN workshop on June, it'll be worth 8,500php! God, thank You for the blessings.

My head feels wobbly and my throat hurts, guess I have to rest now. Hasta luego.

I Miss You

“Missing someone gets easier everyday. Because, even though it is one day further from the last time you saw each other, it is one day closer to the next time you will”

Have you ever felt as if there was a cold spot in your chest longing for warmth that you yourself cannot satisfy? I don't know if I'm still making sense but that's how I feel. My breathing is starting to get heavy, I'm having a hard time finding the right words to convey how I long to be with, to feel him close to me again. I know it's only been less than a week since the last time we were together but it seems that I'm not used to be not with him anymore, it seems that my whole (well, prob'ly most of it) revolves around us, around him. Even Sun with its 24/7 Unlimited Call and Text offer is not helping. It eases the longing a bit but cannot fill the emptiness I feel.

I know, this entry sounds cheesy. Blame the movie Just Like Heaven, it makes you (me) want to be with at special someone and cuddle the night away.

I miss him, I want to be with him again. I cannot picture my life without him in it. God, if he's not for me, please do not prolong this because everyday just makes me love him more.

Vacation AT LAST! :D

AT LAST!

After THREE weeks of enslaving myself with acad stuff, I'm now officially on a summer vacation! My head hurts though from having at least three days with only two hours of sleep. This is the first time I've experienced hell month to be at it's peak! For the past two years, the "hell" term was used to describe a week long event, now it lasted for a month! Unbelievable!

For the past three days, I've been doing a group project (that supposedly four people would do) that was due yesterday (Note: Parkinson's law is not applicable to video editing). I wasn't able to finish it on time (since I consist only 1/4 of the workforce) thus incurring a .25 deduction. Good thing Dadei was there to help me (although he really irritated me especially when he started complaining about having no sleep. I mean, no one of us has slept yet so quit complaining!)

My first year as an OrCom student is finally done. So far I'm enjoying it and I'm beginning to master the art of an overnight case study. I just have to wait what grade those overnight case studies will get. I'm jittery.

So there, I have to sleep 'cause I haven't slept yet and I hae to leave for Mindoro tomorrow noon. *sleep sleep sleep*

Español

El semestre presente es mi ultimo clase en español. Soy feliz y triste. Feliz, porque yo no estudie espanol el semestre proximo. Triste, porque todavía no puedo hablar español bien bastante. Quiero aprender mucho español para puedo enseñar la lenguage a mi hijos y hijas. Alguna vez más adelante, estudiare mas espanol. Es por mi futuro y mi sienta bien si se hablar mucho a aqui lenguage.

Bueno, hasta luego.

Last Trip

I'm 1.5 hours away from the pier. I have to leave now or else I won't make it to the last trip. Anyway, there are still lots of RORO ships where I can ride.

I'm converting videos that's taking forever to put into MP4s. Im risking my time for money. Hell! The things I do nowadays for money. NO. I am still not on the verge of selling myself for the pleasure of others. God! I'm so frustrated!

I am right now being controlled by the will to have money. Come to think of it, I shouldn't be worrying myself with how to have more money because I have more than enough for myself. Just as what my mom said "habang nagaaral ka, responsibilidad pa rin namin ikaw". I can't even really really enjoy the company of my friends or my loved ones nowadays because I am so filled with the overwhelming need to have money. I'm so frustrated because I can't even truly enjoy myself. It shouldn't be like this. I'm so... frustrated.

To everyone who's experiencing being neglected by me, I truly am sorry. It's a personal thing and I apologize for not being the Roan I used to be. It'll be over soon, I hope.

It's 3:33pm. I won't make the last trip. Still I have to go.