Blooming?

For the past days that I've been in school, one day hasn't passed that nobody commented that I was "blooming". It really surprises me and makes me think back to the past sem(s) that I was in UP. Is this the first time that I (again) took time to "beautify" myself before going to class or going to somewhere outside the dorm. It flatters me of course that people are noticing how much my looks have improved, which makes me wonder why notice only now?

So for anyone who'd and who have been asking what my "beauty secret" was, I guess you just have to make some effort to fix yourself up before leaving the house and have a tinge of revenge for those who have broken you (eto bang mukhang to yung sinaktan nyo? I'm better) and "fear" that your special someone might turn his eyes away from you because you don't know how to make yourself look good anymore. After all, physical attraction is the first attraction, right? I find the drive to always make myself look presentable to anyone I'd meet and don't expect to meet.

I find myself waking an hour and a half or an hour before classes just so I would have some time for my kikay rituals and all. Normally if I have an 8:30 class I'd wake up at around 7:45-8:00, take a shower, put on the first clothes I could grab from my dresser, dab a bit of powder on my face, tie my hair into a pony tail and run for it hoping I'd arrive on time for class. I don't know why I find it easier to wake up early now.

I hope I don't run out of clothes to wear though, I still have to save money for clothes.

School Blues

It's been eight days since I last posted something. Man! It's hot here in Manila. I've developed some kind of heat rash and my voice is becoming scratchy from dehydration. It doesn't matter how many liters of water I gulp down, the heat still overpowers me... Tsk tsk.

I've been going to school for five days now and I still am unofficially enrolled. This year's late registration is really late! I'll be paying my fees on the 20th when all subjects have been settled. For now, I have no classes on Tuesdays and Fridays making my week a 3 day school week! Yey! Cheers to that.

Crap. I've got at most seven minutes to wrap this thing up. It's almost twelve and the dorm's PC should be off by that time.

I'm still on the process of getting the summer stuff off my system. A little more, I'm almost okay. :D

Nothing much to say since only two classes have started their sessions.

Later.

Summer Thing

Summer's definitely almost over despite the ever so persistent burning heat the sun is giving out. An elder at our church told me that this heat is three times hotter that before. I don't know when that "before" was but this definitely is way hotter than last summer.

My summer was definitely not a bore. Let's just say I had a few things to keep me perked up during the two months of bumming around. There was this annual sport's fest the Adventist Youth Federation of Oriental Mindoro organizes every March or April, then there was this TV Production Workshop last May. My aunt got married yesterday and the things to prepare for kept me busy for weeks.

I met a lot of people. Got close with a lot and too close with some to the point that my being over friendly was mistaken for something else. It was fun, though - fun to think that I still appear attractive to a lot of people (guys and girl(s) alike) even though a friend of mine from Manila cannot fully accept the fact that I am attractive. Grr... Some friend. Hahaha. Kidding.

This is definitely gonna be an emotional entry for me.

I am leaving tomorrow for Manila. Classes start on the 13th. I am now a senior and the gravity of the fact that I am getting old is rapidly sinking in. I got in touch with both my grade school and high school friends this past weeks and it surprises me to know that my closest guy friend in high school shares the same sentiments I have with regards to graduating. His mom died a couple of years ago so he is looking forward to finishing his studies to help his two other siblings. Sabi nga nya dati ang iniisip pa lang namin ay kung anong kurso ang kukunin namin sa kolehiyo, ngayon ang iniisip na namin ay kung paano kikita ng pera para maibsan ang gastos ng aming mga magulang. I personally want to earn money ASAP because I do not want to ask money from my mom anymore. I always hear her complain about how hard it is to earn money and asking for two thousand a week (minimum) is just too much for me.

I don't know what awaits me this year. I'll definitely be busier (thank God). I want to be busy so that my mind will be turned away from all the happenings of this summer that has affected me. I don't want to feel neglected and keeping myself occupied with academic and extra curricular stuff will definitely make me forget about the people who seem to have left me hanging.

Leaving has always been hard for me. I am both thrilled and sad that I once again have to leave.

I am looking forward to this semester, to this year and to next summer. I'll change. We all do. I don't know who I'll be next year. I don't know why I am so unsure with myself these days.

I won't be surprised if somebody calls me up to ask about this entry.

God bless this school year.

The Call

When I say I need to talk to you it does not necessarily mean I have something to tell you. I just want to hear your voice on the other line, to somehow comfort me from whatever negative emotions I am having right now. I'm sorry if I'm not talking, I don't know what to say. I just want to feel assured that you're still there, loving me, needing me too.

I need you to call not because I have one heck of a problem to get through (that's only a small part of why I needed to talk to you) but because somehow I feel unsafe of where I stand, unsecure, and I need you there to say even the most cliched "don't worry, everything will be alright" or even the cheesiest "I love you" will suffice.

I needed to feel we were still connected. If only I had the means to call you every second of every day, I would.

Happiness

It's been months (maybe years) since we last talked as care freely as this. It's been too long since we had a light conversation. "Normally" things would just heat up, topped with tempers flaring and not so nice words. What we had today was great.

I was able to say the things I wanted to say without even filtering them just so it would sound neutral enough. I laughed. For the first time in so long we had a fun phone conversation. He was able to pull prank(s) at me without me even making a really big deal out of it. For the first time since I don't know when, I actually was comfortable talking to him again. God, I do hope things are turning around for good.

I didn't want to end the call, I don't know when I last felt that. "Normally" I'd want to talk to him as less as possible because things would just turn nasty and hurtful. Now, we had an hour plus conversation and it didn't seem that long. Nakakabitin pa nga.

If this is a dream, I don't want to wake up (so cliche but true). This school year is (hopefully) going to be better.

Sleepless

Went to bed at around 11.30. Guess what? I had to get up to make myself sleepy enough to sleep.

I can't sleep. Not because I have trouble sleeping but because of the things I've been thinking about. Damn, they're too many to simply be ignored. I blame all those things and people that keep entering my mind. Yeah, you give me one heck of a sleepless night when I should be dozing off because I have to get up early tomorrow.

Come Monday and I'll be enrolling as a senior at the University of the Philippines-Manila. The gravity of me being a senior this year is slowly sinking in. I'm getting older and what the heck am I still doing bumming around? I should be more productive with the time I have. I'm both excited and anxious about the coming school year. I hope I do better.

I was able to read the Ateneo School of Medicine and Public Health program and believe me, it made me jittery with excitement. I once again have a tiny spark of really wanting to go to med school because I want to and not because they want me to. Ateneo's program really is interesting because at the end of the five year program, you get to become a doctor of medicine with an MA in management. Cool and double cool. I am so looking forward to the application process that it makes me not sleep. Grr.

Alex moved back to his ate's house. I never even got the chance to say goodbye to "our" home. I know he's better off at his sisters care but it's just sad to think about all the good and bad times we had in that house knowing that things will not be the same.

Ah.. The people that have been entering my mind these days should not be thought of in the first place but here I am not getting any rest because of them. I really wish my defenses were higher. I show the world how unaffected I am by the people who keep on insisting that they become part of my world but then again, here I am thinking of how to get rid of them. I don't want them in my life. Maybe I was too overfriendly (redundant? it's that exaggerated) with them that they got too comfortable butting themselves into my life. I am deeply affected by your existence, just so you know and I don't want that. No matter, come school days I will be too occupied to even think and/or wait for a hint that you do remember me. Ah. The pain of being histrionic. It bothers me if those who claim to care don't even send a single message.

I hate you all tonight. I should be sleeping yet here I am ranting the night away with my silly wants. Lets end whatever hopes you have of even being a big part of my life. The big space has already been filled.

Am I exhausted enough to sleep now? I don't know. We'll see.