Bitch

I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
Tried to tell you
But you look at me like maybe
I'm an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried
Must have been relieved to see
The softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
All rolled into one

Chorus:
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean
You'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that
When I start to make you nervous
And I'm going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change
And today won't mean a thing

Just when you think, you got me figured out
The season's already changing
I think it's cool, you do what you do
And don't try to save me
I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
When you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numb, I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

Wrath

What I feel for you right now is pure wrath. I don't want to talk to you nor have you on my mind. You have the nerve to judge someone as unmanly when you yourself cannot stand up for what you did! You even thought I'd want to ruin you. With all due respect, why the hell would I want to ruin you? But now that you've given me the idea, I might consider it now.

When I say I do not want to talk to you, do not insist on contacting me or talking to me for I DO NOT want to hear anything from you. You ruined my trust to the core. I told you I didn't want to be emotionally attached to someone for the fear of too much emotional vulnerability yet you led me on. And there I was, so stupid to see that you, like any other typical man (or should I say boy) was using a "respectable" facade to cover up for the mess you do.

All I wanted was for you to accept that YES that happened but that is over now. You are so scared of what might happen to you. You are so concerned of saving you oh so divine face that you cannot accept that you did make a mistake. That's the difference between us. I accepted the risks and admitted that what happened was a mistake. To top that off I now realize that YOU were a huge mistake.

I am very easy to get along with and as equally easy to piss off. When I say I hate you out of the context that I am joking, I really do hate you.

Wrath - one of the seven deadly sins. I'm sinning right now, I'll ask for forgiveness later.

Disconnecting

I am on the process of disconnecting with the rest of the world that "ruined" me during the summer. I'm changing my number to escape the horrors I created. Never again will I involve myself with any controversies like this. Lesson learned the hard way.

Damn to all those self righteous people who couldn't stand up for what they did more so couldn't accept that he to makes mistakes like any other human being. Damn to those who want to ruin me. I'll get back on you... soon.

Breaking Down

I haven't had a peaceful sleep last night. I was so bothered about what I learned yesterday and the other issues surrounding it (i.e. Alex's messages to Robert and his girlfriend). I find myself uneasy and irritable during the day. My attention span is almost null. I barely managed to pass my seat work. I couldn't solve the Math problems that were given. My head hurts, my eyes are sore with lack of sleep. I put on "tons" of concealer under my eyes just to cover the bulging bags yet that even proved ineffective. No matter how "blooming" I seemed you'd still see how jittery and anxious I was.

I thought things were going to be okay. I was okay. I wasn't even thinking about what happened then all of a sudden this will happen? Spare me from more heartaches, I beg you. I can barely take any more.

I really wish the people I talk to would keep me sane but some even make things worse. I can't handle any more quarrels right now, please bear with me. Do not use a high tone of voice whenever you being irritated with me. You don't know how much close I am to snapping. Nobody understands what I am going through right now. I hope you would. Don't force me to think rationally because at this moment, I can't. I am simply overwhelmed with the recent revelations.

God! People take me for granted.

Truth

I didn't plan of going public about what happened this summer concerning me and a certain pastor who is, let's hide by the name Robert. But since he went all out about his version, I would want to air my side.

I highly disagree with your statement that I was the first who gave you attention, more so liked you. If you would remember clearly as I do for I do not forget first instances like that, you were the first who approached me, challenged me to several games of Word Factory. You were the one who wanted to be close to me because of your "goal" that your friend (who happens to be my ex-boyfriend) and I be reunited. I am naturally friendly and never expected that you would use that friendliness against me.

After the one week sport's festival, I didn't expect to hear from you, ever again since the event was over and we really had nothing more to talk about. You were the one who kept sending me text messages. I replied to those messages without malice, without any assumption, with nothing but friendliness. I mentioned in one of our conversations that I was a sucker for chocolate cakes. I also asked you where I could buy a hammock since I've been looking for it for a long time. Guess what? When you returned from Manila, you gave me a half roll of Goldilocks chocolate cake and a blue hammock. I offered to pay for the latter but you refused saying that it was your birthday gift to me.

You told me you were falling for me. I did not encourage you because I already had a boyfriend. It came to the point that you were even willing to give your present relationship up just so you could woo me. Yes, it also came to the point that I started liking you because of your edge in music and you know that well.

We became closer during the TV Production Camp (that I fully regret). After the said camp you started distancing yourself from me which I found weird at the moment that's why I wrote you a letter. In that letter I explained my side. I reiterated that I wanted nothing but platonic relationship between us, that I know how hurt your girlfriend is feeling. There was nothing in that letter to make you assume that I am running after you. There was NOTHING in that letter that would imply that I was in love with you or anything of the sort. That letter was a letter of hurt, of angst and of goodbyes to the romantic relationship I knew you wanted.

What hurts me dear pastor, is your telling Pastor Jubi that I was the one who liked you first and that I needed advising. With all due respect, ikaw ang patay na patay sa akin. I clearly remember you saying "darating ang araw mapapaibig din kita." Well, guess what? That day will never ever come.

That was a summer thing and summer is over so why are you still wallowing in it's memories? You are so insecure with what other people will say about you that you turn stories upside down just to make your oh so mighty, oh so clean pastor status intact and in return ruin my reputation. Just think of it, what would people think of me now? That I am a boyfriend thief? Hell no! I am happy with Alex. We have our dark days but we're fine.

Of your 25 years of existence you have the emotional maturity of a teen ager who experienced this kind of scenario for the first time. Yes maybe it was your first time, pero wag lang sarili mo ang isipin mo. What if I am not strong in faith and would stumble because of your acts of self righteousness?

Is this why you said you were sorry a couple of weeks ago? Is it because you have started to ruin me slowly? It's a good thing I'm here in Manila, I have a lot of diversion and the fact that I am anonymous helps a lot.

I am mad and right now I won't ask for forgiveness for whatever I just wrote.

From Blue to Reddish, Pinkish Something Else

I haven't had an entry for the past two weeks. I was spending most of my internet time finding suitable pose for my creative shot thus resulting to me having no time to create an entry, except for now because I already had my pictures taken. Yes, I had my grad pic taken today and for my creative shot, I chose to be one of the seven deadly sins - Pride in the form of Vanity. Cool huh? :D

Somebody told me that blue was beginning to be a boring color on me. I mean, almost all my clothes are in the shade of blue and yes I have to agree that it is beginning to look dull on me. So I'm on the process of a wardrobe makeover: buying more reddish, pinkish, orange-ish clothes, collecting skirts and skinny jeans and slowly not wearing loose pants. With this ritual I find myself letting go of the always cheerful, kikay, somewhat shallow me that people always perceive to the more serious, deep, melancholy me. Let's see what this would result in.

I can't wait for August 4 to come. I'd get to see how I registered on the camera. I really hope it's great.

I have a report on Psycholinguistics tomorrow and guess what? I haven't prepared yet! Wow! This is so me.. "Procrastination come forth!"

Eating is one of my favorite past times yet I don't seem to have any time for that these days. But no matter how many times I not eat, I don't seem to be losing any weight. All I get is an empty rumbling stomach.

I... I... I can't think of anything else to say..

I'm Better

The past months (May-June) can be labelled as one of the most trying times of my life. "Confused" was a word I used to describe my then current state of being. I couldn't understand myself, I was depressed more often than not, I dragged people down with me to wallow in the loneliness I alone feel.

But now I can strongly say "I'm okay". I am back (hopefully) to the focused being I was before all of these madness started. I just had to take a whiff of Manila's polluted air and I became alright.

To all the people I've hurt during my two months of a so called "self discovery" (a term I find completely untrue for I have not yet fully "found" what I was looking for) I beg your forgiveness. I was insane, well part of me was.

Anyway.. enough drama.

I'm going to have my grad pic photo shoot a few weeks from now. I'm jittery with excitement! I want to graduate badly but I still have to stay a year more since I shifted too late. Well at least I'm going to graduate with my course of choice.

NOTE: Never get into a course your parents tell you to get unless you want it.

I'm here in Mindoro to supposedly attend the hospital's weekend excursion. But I have my period and its raining hard so I have all the excuses to stay home and type this blog entry instead. :D

I just heard that my ex boyfriend was getting married next year. Good for him. It's about time too. I'll be walking down the aisle in a few year's time. Just have to get financially (emotionally, mentally) ready for that big day.

Why does marriage sound so final to me that it scares me?

It is really cold. It hasn't stopped raining since I got here. It makes me want to dive under thick sheets of blanket and sleep the night and day away.. :D